Top 100 Facts About Michael Phelps

  1. Michael Phelps is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  2. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Michael Phelps is on.
  3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Michael Phelps and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  4. Michael Phelps is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  5. Along with his black belt, Michael Phelps often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  6. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Michael Phelps."
  7. Michael Phelps used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  8. Michael Phelps's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Michael Phelps will not take crap from anyone.
  9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Michael Phelps"
  10. A man once claimed Michael Phelps kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  11. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Michael Phelps that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  12. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Michael Phelps is worth 1 billion words.
  13. Michael Phelps was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  14. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Michael Phelps".
  15. Circles exist because Michael Phelps beat the crap out of some squares.
  16. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Michael Phelps, 3. Cancer
  17. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Michael Phelps.
  18. Michael Phelps can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  19. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Michael Phelps to go around.
  20. Crop circles are Michael Phelps's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  21. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Michael Phelps.
  22. Michael Phelps can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  23. If Michael Phelps wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  24. For Michael Phelps, every street is "one way". His way.
  25. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Michael Phelps always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  26. For undercover police work, Michael Phelps pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  27. Google won't search for Michael Phelps because it knows you don't find Michael Phelps, he finds you.
  28. Guns don't kill people. Michael Phelps kills people.
  29. Michael Phelps can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  30. If you ask Michael Phelps what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  31. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Michael Phelps would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  32. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Michael Phelps … dies.
  33. If Michael Phelps wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  34. Michael Phelps can speak braille.
  35. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Michael Phelps.
  36. If you spell Michael Phelps in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  37. Michael Phelps can tie his shoes with his feet.
  38. Michael Phelps died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  39. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Michael Phelps could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  40. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Michael Phelps a giant meteor.
  41. Michael Phelps counted to infinity - twice.
  42. Michael Phelps always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  43. Michael Phelps can kill two stones with one bird.
  44. Michael Phelps and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  45. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Michael Phelps was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
  46. Michael Phelps does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  47. James Cameron wanted Michael Phelps to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  48. Michael Phelps became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  49. Most people fear the Reaper. Michael Phelps considers him "a promising Rookie".
  50. Michael Phelps is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  51. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Michael Phelps is looking for it.
  52. Little known medical fact: Michael Phelps invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  53. On his birthday, Michael Phelps randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  54. Michael Phelps irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  55. Fifty years ago, Michael Phelps accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  56. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Michael Phelps."
  57. Love does hurt. But not as much as Michael Phelps.
  58. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Michael Phelps jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  59. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Michael Phelps.
  60. Not everyone that Michael Phelps is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  61. Michael Phelps is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  62. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Michael Phelps bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  63. Police label anyone attacking Michael Phelps as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  64. On a high school math test, Michael Phelps put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Michael Phelps solves all his problems with Violence.
  65. Only Michael Phelps can prevent forest fires.
  66. Michael Phelps sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  67. Michael Phelps does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Michael Phelps goes killing.
  68. People created the automobile to escape from Michael Phelps...Not to be outdone, Michael Phelps created the automobile accident.
  69. Michael Phelps was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  70. Michael Phelps's blood type is WD-40.
  71. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Michael Phelps fight.
  72. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Michael Phelps pajamas.
  73. Michael Phelps was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  74. Michael Phelps doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  75. Michael Phelps is the only one who can "try this at home."
  76. Michael Phelps has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  77. Simply by pulling on both ends, Michael Phelps can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  78. Michael Phelps's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Michael Phelps.
  79. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Michael Phelps glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  80. Michael Phelps invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  81. The chief export of Michael Phelps is Pain.
  82. If you Google search "Michael Phelps getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  83. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Michael Phelps didn't kill you in your sleep.
  84. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Michael Phelps come off without a hitch.
  85. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Michael Phelps out. It failed miserably.
  86. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Michael Phelps.
  87. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Michael Phelps 3. Cancer.
  88. The crossing lights in Michael Phelps's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Michael Phelps punching or kicking a pedestrian.
  89. The Bible was originally titled "Michael Phelps and Friends"
  90. The easiest way to determine Michael Phelps's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Michael Phelps.
  91. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Michael Phelps.
  92. The First rule of Michael Phelps is: you do not talk about Michael Phelps.
  93. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Michael Phelps.
  94. The only time Michael Phelps was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  95. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Michael Phelps in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  96. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Michael Phelps has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  97. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Michael Phelps goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
  98. In an act of great philanthropy, Michael Phelps made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  99. Michael Phelps's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  100. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Michael Phelps. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

This article was brought to you by and Tom Chapin.
Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.