Top 100 Facts About Paul Graham

1. A man once claimed Paul Graham kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
2. Paul Graham is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
3. Along with his black belt, Paul Graham often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
4. Paul Graham sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
5. Paul Graham is the only one who can "try this at home."
6. Paul Graham is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
7. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Paul Graham is on.
8. Paul Graham was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
9. Paul Graham is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Paul Graham while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
11. Crop circles are Paul Graham's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
12. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Paul Graham"
13. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Paul Graham".
14. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Paul Graham to go around.
15. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of Paul Graham is worth 1 billion words.
16. Circles exist because Paul Graham beat the crap out of some squares.
17. Paul Graham's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Paul Graham.
18. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Paul Graham's first visit to Tokyo.
19. Paul Graham's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Paul Graham will not take crap from anyone.
20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Paul Graham that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Paul Graham … dies.
22. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Paul Graham."
23. Google won't search for Paul Graham because it knows you don't find Paul Graham, he finds you.
24. Paul Graham always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
25. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Paul Graham, 3. Cancer
26. If you Google search "Paul Graham getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
27. Paul Graham and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
28. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Paul Graham will beat his ass and take it.
29. Paul Graham can kill two stones with one bird.
30. Guns don't kill people. Paul Graham kills people.
31. If you spell Paul Graham in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
32. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Paul Graham.
33. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Paul Graham.
34. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Paul Graham.
35. Paul Graham can speak braille.
36. In an act of great philanthropy, Paul Graham made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
37. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Paul Graham would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
38. If Paul Graham wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
39. Paul Graham can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
40. In an emergency, Paul Graham can be used as a floatation device.
41. If you work in an office with Paul Graham, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
42. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Paul Graham can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
43. Little known medical fact: Paul Graham invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
44. Paul Graham can tie his shoes with his feet.
45. Paul Graham died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
46. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Paul Graham is looking for it.
47. Paul Graham became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
48. James Cameron wanted Paul Graham to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
49. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Paul Graham needs toothpicks.
50. No matter what your mother always said, Paul Graham can tune a fish.
51. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Paul Graham a giant meteor.
52. Paul Graham can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
53. On a high school math test, Paul Graham put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Paul Graham solves all his problems with Violence.
54. Paul Graham counted to infinity - twice.
55. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Paul Graham.
56. Paul Graham does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Paul Graham goes killing.
57. Paul Graham can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
58. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Paul Graham beats all 3 at the same time.
59. Paul Graham doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
60. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Paul Graham roundhouse kick.
61. Paul Graham is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
62. Not everyone that Paul Graham is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
63. People created the automobile to escape from Paul Graham...Not to be outdone, Paul Graham created the automobile accident.
64. Once a cobra bit Paul Graham's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
65. Paul Graham does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
66. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Paul Graham *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
67. Paul Graham was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
68. Q: How many Paul Graham's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Paul Graham prefers to kill in the dark.
69. Police label anyone attacking Paul Graham as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
70. Only Paul Graham can prevent forest fires.
71. Paul Graham used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
72. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Paul Graham's house one Christmas.
73. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Paul Graham
74. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Paul Graham gets too hot.
75. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Paul Graham come off without a hitch.
76. Paul Graham was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
77. Paul Graham's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
78. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Paul Graham didn't kill you in your sleep.
79. Paul Graham has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
80. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Paul Graham glare will liquefy your kidneys.
81. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Paul Graham likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
82. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Paul Graham punched himself in the face.
83. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Paul Graham pajamas.
84. Paul Graham irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
85. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Paul Graham has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
86. Paul Graham's blood type is WD-40.
87. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Paul Graham.
88. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Paul Graham.
89. Paul Graham invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
90. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Paul Graham played in second grade.
91. For Paul Graham, every street is "one way". His way.
92. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Paul Graham was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
93. If you ask Paul Graham what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
94. The First rule of Paul Graham is: you do not talk about Paul Graham.
95. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Paul Graham. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
96. The last man who made eye contact with Paul Graham was Ray Charles.
97. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Paul Graham always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
98. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Paul Graham's fist.
99. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Paul Graham turned that wine into beer.
100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Paul Graham. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.