Top 100 Facts About Paul Graham

  1. A man once claimed Paul Graham kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
  2. Paul Graham is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
  3. Along with his black belt, Paul Graham often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  4. Paul Graham sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
  5. Paul Graham is the only one who can "try this at home."
  6. Paul Graham is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
  7. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Paul Graham is on.
  8. Paul Graham was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
  9. Paul Graham is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  10. Circles exist because Paul Graham beat the crap out of some squares.
  11. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Paul Graham to go around.
  12. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Paul Graham"
  13. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Paul Graham".
  14. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Paul Graham while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
  15. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Paul Graham is worth 1 billion words.
  16. Paul Graham's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
  17. Paul Graham's blood type is WD-40.
  18. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Paul Graham will beat his ass and take it.
  19. Paul Graham's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Paul Graham.
  20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Paul Graham that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  21. Guns don't kill people. Paul Graham kills People.
  22. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Paul Graham."
  23. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Paul Graham's first visit to Tokyo.
  24. Paul Graham always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
  25. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Paul Graham, 3. Cancer
  26. If you ask Paul Graham what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  27. Paul Graham and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
  28. For undercover police work, Paul Graham pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
  29. Paul Graham can kill two stones with one bird.
  30. Google won't search for Paul Graham because it knows you don't find Paul Graham, he finds you.
  31. If you Google search "Paul Graham getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  32. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Paul Graham.
  33. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Paul Graham.
  34. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Paul Graham would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
  35. Paul Graham can speak braille.
  36. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Paul Graham.
  37. If you work in an office with Paul Graham, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  38. If Paul Graham wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
  39. Paul Graham can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
  40. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Paul Graham could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  41. If you spell Paul Graham in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  42. James Cameron wanted Paul Graham to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  43. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Paul Graham is looking for it.
  44. Paul Graham can tie his shoes with his feet.
  45. Paul Graham died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
  46. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Paul Graham can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
  47. Paul Graham became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
  48. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Paul Graham smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
  49. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Paul Graham". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Paul Graham.
  50. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Paul Graham roundhouse kick.
  51. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Paul Graham needs toothpicks.
  52. Paul Graham can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
  53. Not everyone that Paul Graham is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  54. Paul Graham counted to infinity - twice.
  55. No matter what your mother always said, Paul Graham can tune a fish.
  56. Paul Graham does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Paul Graham goes killing.
  57. Paul Graham can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  58. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Paul Graham bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
  59. Paul Graham doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
  60. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Paul Graham jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  61. Paul Graham is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
  62. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Paul Graham.
  63. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Paul Graham beats all 3 at the same time.
  64. On his birthday, Paul Graham randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  65. Paul Graham does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
  66. Police label anyone attacking Paul Graham as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  67. Paul Graham was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
  68. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Paul Graham *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
  69. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Paul Graham
  70. Fifty years ago, Paul Graham accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn't fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
  71. Paul Graham used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
  72. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Paul Graham fight.
  73. People created the automobile to escape from Paul Graham...Not to be outdone, Paul Graham created the automobile accident.
  74. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Paul Graham glare will liquefy your kidneys.
  75. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Paul Graham didn't kill you in your sleep.
  76. Paul Graham was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  77. Paul Graham's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Paul Graham will not take crap from anyone.
  78. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Paul Graham gets too hot.
  79. Paul Graham has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
  80. Staring at Paul Graham for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
  81. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Paul Graham asks for a body bag.
  82. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Paul Graham was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
  83. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Paul Graham likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  84. Paul Graham irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
  85. The First rule of Paul Graham is: you do not talk about Paul Graham.
  86. Paul Graham was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  87. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Paul Graham punched himself in the face.
  88. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Paul Graham always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
  89. Paul Graham invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
  90. The only time Paul Graham was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
  91. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Paul Graham.
  92. The easiest way to determine Paul Graham's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Paul Graham.
  93. If Paul Graham wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
  94. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Paul Graham.
  95. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Paul Graham played in second grade.
  96. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Paul Graham out. It failed miserably.
  97. Crop circles are Paul Graham's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  98. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Paul Graham in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
  99. In an emergency, Paul Graham can be used as a floatation device.
  100. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Paul Graham's fist.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.