Top 100 Facts About Roberto

1. Roberto sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
2. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Roberto and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
3. A man once claimed Roberto kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
4. Roberto was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
5. Roberto's blood type is WD-40.
6. Roberto was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
7. Roberto's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Roberto.
8. Roberto is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
9. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Roberto"
10. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Roberto while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
11. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Roberto is on.
12. Roberto was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
13. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Roberto is worth 1 billion words.
14. Roberto used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
15. Roberto's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Roberto will not take crap from anyone.
16. For undercover police work, Roberto pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
17. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Roberto.
18. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Roberto always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
19. Crop circles are Roberto's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
20. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Roberto".
21. Roberto's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
22. Roberto always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
23. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Roberto, 3. Cancer
24. Roberto became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
25. If Roberto wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
26. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Roberto."
27. Roberto and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
28. Roberto can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
29. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Roberto.
30. If you Google search "Roberto getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
31. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Roberto … dies.
32. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Roberto.
33. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Roberto would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
34. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Roberto that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
35. Along with his black belt, Roberto often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
36. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Roberto was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
37. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Roberto". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Roberto.
38. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Roberto could use to kill you, including the room itself.
39. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Roberto needs toothpicks.
40. If you ask Roberto what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
41. Roberto counted to infinity - twice.
42. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Roberto can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
43. Roberto can speak braille.
44. In an emergency, Roberto can be used as a floatation device.
45. Roberto can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
46. In an act of great philanthropy, Roberto made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
47. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Roberto a giant meteor.
48. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Roberto jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
49. Roberto does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Roberto goes killing.
50. Love does hurts. But not as much as Roberto.
51. Little known medical fact: Roberto invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
52. Roberto does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
53. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Roberto smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
54. Roberto doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
55. Roberto can kill two stones with one bird.
56. Roberto invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
57. Only Roberto can prevent forest fires.
58. Roberto died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell .
59. Roberto has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
60. Roberto is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
61. On his birthday, Roberto randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
62. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Roberto beats all 3 at the same time.
63. On a high school math test, Roberto put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Roberto solves all his problems with Violence.
64. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Roberto *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
65. Police label anyone attacking Roberto as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
66. Roberto can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
67. Roberto can tie his shoes with his feet.
68. Simply by pulling on both ends, Roberto can stretch diamonds back into coal.
69. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Roberto asks for a body bag.
70. Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Roberto fight.
71. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Roberto likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
72. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Roberto bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
73. Circles exist because Roberto beat the crap out of some squares.
74. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Roberto gets too hot.
75. Roberto is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
76. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Roberto's house one Christmas.
77. Roberto irons his clothes while he's wearing them.
78. Q: How many Roberto's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Roberto prefers to kill in the dark.
79. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Roberto pajamas.
80. The easiest way to determine Roberto's age is to cut him in half and count the rings. Unfortunately, nothing can cut through Roberto.
81. For Roberto, every street is "one way". His way.
82. The Bible was originally titled "Roberto and Friends"
83. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Roberto come off without a hitch.
84. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Roberto.
85. Staring at Roberto for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
86. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Roberto will beat his ass and take it.
87. Roberto is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
88. Google won't search for Roberto because it knows you don't find Roberto, he finds you.
89. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Roberto goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
90. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Roberto to go around.
91. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Roberto's first visit to Tokyo.
92. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Roberto.
93. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Roberto out. It failed miserably.
94. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Roberto played in second grade.
95. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Roberto has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
96. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Roberto's fist.
97. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Roberto in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
98. Roberto is the only one who can "try this at home."
99. Roberto was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
100. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Roberto killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

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Please Note: This page is intended purely as humor and plays off of quotes from many anonymous internet sources who originally stated the jokes in reference to celebrities such as Chuck Norris.